Editor’s note: We just recently received this document from a source that must remain anonymous for their protection. We recognize the document is a year old but the contents were so shocking our source felt its publication had to be delayed.
File name: Crop Circles & Climate Change
Status: Highly confidential hacked Zoom Transcript
Source Acquired: firstname.lastname@example.org a.k.a. Dr. ZoomDoom
Location: Sacramento/Oakland via teleconference
Topic: Confidential strategy session Cal-OAG, NRCD acting for Cal-EPA/NGO
Re: State of California v. Federal Biological Opinions
Transcript begins 12:03 April 1, 2020
Senior Deputy Assistant AG – Windsor Butterfield: Hello everyone. On behalf of Mr. X, who couldn’t join us today as he is extremely busy filing lawsuits, and the entire OAG we’d like to thank you for meeting with us this afternoon. We are having some difficulty with the audio and visual portions of the meeting but it’s a small price to pay for CLOVER-95 compliance. What?
Oh ok. My assistant to the deputy assistant aide to the undersecretary of communications says it’s called COVID-19 also known as West Covina virus and asks everyone just to be safe to turn their heads when they cough or sneeze so we don’t transmit the sound of the virus. With us today is former congressman and Deputy Senior Assistant Attorney for the NRCD Jard “Buff” Puffington. Why don’t you lay out our case Buff?
Puffington: Thank you Windsor,sor,sor,sor,sor. The Orange Buffoon, oon,oon,oon,oon,oon is trying to kill all the wildlife,ife,ife,ife,ife,ife in the state,ate,ate,ate,ate.
Butterfield: Buff, excuse me, we’re hearing a lot of echo. Do you have your computer speakers on?
Feedback squelch followed by silence.
Butterfield: Buff? Did you mute yourself?
Puffington: Sorry, no I, I. Ah, here it is. Sorry Windsor, ladies and gentlemen. I had inadvertently left both my NGO and mainstream Media audio inputs open simultaneously creating an echo chamber effect. As I was saying, obviously with Trump in the White House any federal biological opinions regardless of content is a veiled attempt to destroy the Delta. The Delta needs tremendous freshwater flows or the wastewater discharges in the Bay will not be diluted, will not meet water quality standards forcing a very expensive, let me tell you, upgrade of treatment facilities.
Unknown voice 1: (Identified as OAG’s Elizabeth Van Low) Pardon me, I have some questions? Mr. Puffington shouldn’t our legal strategy’s goal be finding a balance of restoring the Delta’s ecosystem and habitat while still supplying water to the majority of the people of California who depend on Delta diversions?
Puffington: Windsor? You going to keep your staff in check? She’s talking like a first year law student.
Butterfield: Of course Buff. Miss Van Low that will be quite enou. . .
Puffington: After all young lady! We’re not talking air pollution here where the Bay Area’s smog is blown into the Central Valley by offshore breezes. Our wastewater doesn’t magically flow upstream and harm the Delta.
Van Low: But Mr. Puffington the law explicitly calls for the co-equal goals of meeting water supply as well as environmental needs.
Puffington: Oh for crying out loud!!! Please take your virus safety earplugs out and listen to me. I’m going to say this once and only one time.
Interruption from sound of small animal: Yap, yap, yappity, yap, yap.
Puffington: Get down Yo Queiro! Down! Sorry, sorry everyone, my chihuahua jumped up on me. I was saying, any California law, by virtue of being passed in California is for the implicit benefit of California. San Francisco and by default all the other Bay Area communities are the most Californian of all. Just as our drinking straw in Hetch Hetchy mustn’t be disturbed neither shall our waste treatment facilities. So you see, both our co-equal goals of improving the Delta environment and getting plenty of water supplies are best met under the pre-Trump operating criteria. It’s just a shame we’re having to do this by court. If only SB1 could have been tweaked enough to pass veto. We won’t forget that incident.
At this point the connection was lost for approximately 5-7 minutes and resumed mid-sentence.
Unknown voice 2: . . . or not. I do believe we have a workable theory we can sell to the press and therefore the public.
Butterfield: Interesting. Crop circles were nature’s way of forecasting that the election of Trump would hasten climate change? Interesting. And you think you can sell this?
Unknown voice 2: No honey, mommy’s talking.
Butterfield: You don’t think linking crop circles to Trump causing climate change will work? And just to be clear my mother is not on this conference call.
Unknown voice 2: My apologies, I’m homeschooling. It’s much, much more difficult for a proud non-cis parent making mid-six figures a year to homeschool than the average deplorable. Anyway to answer your question, yes absolutely sir. MSNBC, NPR’s All Things Considered and The National Enquirer have all expressed interest. Along with the usual, reliable editorial boards up and down the state. And as always we have a team of Chinese and former Soviet Union bloggers spooled up and ready to cast to social media.
Butterfield: Thank you for this report Susan. Say hello to Grey and Arnold for us when you see them.
Van Low: Once again I have to protest. How does this help achieve the co-equal goals? If we can just take a look at the data and projections developed over the course of writing the biological opinions we can modify our legal complaint to incorporate safeguards for the habitat without throwing away all the scientific improvements of the past decade and not kill the Voluntary Agreements. Can we put the comparisons on the monitor?
Unknown voice 3: (Identified as Byron Murry, lead vice-assistant consulting biologist, DWR) Hi everyone. Can you all see this slide?
Chorus of participant voices: I think it’s upside down. Bet you can’t tell I’m not wearing pants. What font is that in? I can only see half of it and it’s pretty blurry. Is that a squid’s eye,eye,eye,eye,eye,eye?
Butterfield: Buff, check your audio mix.
Murry: This slide deck will show how through collaborative efforts the biops have been improved greatly. The proposed Incidental Take Permit you’ve been developing with Chub Broham at Fish & Sticks is actually a step backwards. The ITP is based on a calendar. Pumping in the Delta is restricted to the days the fish probably won’t be near the pump intakes. Unfortunately fish don’t have calendars and even if they did we’re pretty sure they can’t read.
Puffington: You’re sure?
Puffington: You’re sure fish can’t read?
Murry: Absolutely sir.
Puffington: Good to know. Continue.
Murry: The negotiated biological opinions the feds want to institute will show fish locations through real-time monitoring and give a much more accurate assessment of when it will be safe to pump and when to curtail pumping. Look, I’m not an attorney or anything but we’re close to a mutually acceptable biop that will achieve the desired goals. I urge you to reconsider this suit. We’re the closest we’ve been to working cooperatively with the feds in decades.
Chorus of laughter from participants.
Butterfield: It’s obvious this guy isn’t an attorney. Mr. X loves a dirty, protracted court fight.
Puffington: How else will he get enough free name recognition to take the center of the horseshoe from Gavin? You nailed it Windsor,sor,sor,sor,sor,sor,sor.
Transcript ends 13:17
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