By Austin Carter
This year’s record-breaking rain and snow in California after last year’s drought is proof the climate has changed says a new report from the University of California’s Malthus Institute of Predictive Accuracy. The report, “Climate Change from a Gender Fluid Mechanics Perspective” (Hobbs, Balaam, Engels, et al., 2023) states, “Computer modeling with a ± of 49.7543 points undeniably to the fact that within the next millennia California will probably experience more drought and flooding brought about by climate change. And it’s mostly because of farming.”
Response from Sacramento was immediate. “This report just shows how the regulatory justice community must step up its game,” said Max G. Marx, interim Deputy Vice Assistant at the State Bureau of Everything is a Problem. “As long as private citizens are allowed to pursue what they conceive as their own best interests unregulated chaos will further drive climate change.”
Environmentalists were quick to grasp the implications of this latest report. Save The Delta spokesperson, Barbie Gasslee-Hyphonated had this to say, “I want to carry the environmental community STD’s [message] to every man, woman and transgender in the state. Unless we spend half the state’s budget on the Delta and Delta based NGOs all notions of equity in California are lost.”
Public employee unions also had a response to the report and the Non-Governmental Organization response to the report. Jorge Xi Soros, President of the Self Serving Employee Interests Union made this statement in a written release. “As the report shows, climate change is very real. The other day we couldn’t get anyone from the air conditioner workers to adjust our heating/air conditioning unit. The climate in my office was whipsawing from 40 degrees to 85. Very uncomfortable. We in the union leadership justice community stand with the environmental justice community. As long as the other half of the state budget is dedicated to reimbursing our members for union dues we’re OK with STDs spreading [message] as much as it wants too.”
In response to the SSEIU response to the STD response Gasslee-Hyphonated responded, “If the SSEIU would stop issuing written responses on paper we could consider a 50/50 split of the state budget. But it is evident by its use of paper, which comes from trees which need water, the SS is a member of the environmental protection funding denial community. The split will have to be 75/25 – STD/SS. To quote our Governor, ‘Whether you like it or not.’”
Reactions from the report on behalf of the social justice community were given by the Leadership Committee of Important Sounding Law Firm Names. The Leadership Committee spokesperson spoke on condition of anonymity saying, “The very reason the Leadership Committee was formed was not only to provide grant funded employment for attorneys who didn’t pass the racist, cis-normative bar exam in their first half-dozen tries but to also stand with the oppressed. And there is nothing as oppressive as high humidity on a hot day or a breeze when you’re standing in the shade on a cold day, or as Soros said when you can’t get the A/C guy over. That is some oppressive climate change right there. The bottom two percent of law school graduates justice community stand with the other various justice communities in protest. We intend to file suit.”
When questioned further the anonymous spokesperson declined to comment on who was going to be sued and why. “As policy the LCISLF doesn’t comment on actual or possible ongoing lawsuits.”
The Justice for Anything Community Institute, a kind of umbrella group for the community of insert prefix justice communities, is housed on the UC Berkeley campus next door to the Government Association of Radical Equity. Curator and retired Dean of the B. Disraeli School of Statistics Dr. Ima X. Pert welcomed the release of the report.
“On behalf of the academic justice community I’m relieved somebody finally issued another report about climate change. It’s been more than three days since any major research has been issued on the subject,” said Pert. “That’s a shame since California is particularly vulnerable to climate change due to in-state agriculture. It’s the largest user of water in the world and wrecks environmental havoc on the San Joaquin Valley. You can’t go anywhere in the state and see more habitat degradation than farmland. If there was a god I’d thank her for saving the Los Angeles Basin and the Bay Area from such cruel manipulation of natural resources for profit.”
Pert continued, “To put it simply, industrial agribusiness and white owned family farms not only take the soil and sunshine of our beautiful Mediterranean climate but also water. And to what? Raise food? The most insidious part is how they include us in their farm bred treachery by duping us into participating. Just think about this, after wasting water on irrigation they ship it to us in the form of food. Every bite you take contributes to the problem.”
Reaction from the agricultural justice community was elusive. The Bureau of California Farmers had no comment, citing an unwillingness at the state level to get the least bit involved in anything even mildly controversial. Calls to dozens of farmers and ranchers went unanswered with the explanation they were busy working and couldn’t just get off the tractor and come to the phone.
Ed note: Austin Carter is a freelance writer based in California. His work has appeared in many, many publications; local, regional and national under other names. When not reporting on agricultural, environmental and water matters Carter likes to debate the merits of various chile verde recipes, Gretch hollow body v. Fender Telecasters for rockabilly and the veracity of absolute truth in a post-modern, societal framework.
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